Truth and Hard Things

So I had a really truth revealing talk with Andy today. Andy is my advisor in the opera studio and he's most of the reason I'm here and getting paid to be here. And he's got a tender soul so I knew I could talk to him without feeling invalidated about struggling so much with my emotions. We talked about everything- religion, my relationships, my vision of myself, our family, and he had had me observe the reasons I cry.

So while we were talking of course, I cried, and he told me to look at myself from a critical observation view instead of inside. And he had me move from the right side of his couch to the middle of the couch to be a different person observing why Kayla was crying. The physical movement of me looking at why she was crying was actually really, really, amazingly effective (I still cried... just less...). I forget what thing really triggered it, but we talked some more and he observed that it sounded like there were two people. There's right side of the couch Kayla who has a hard time memorizing things, always doubts herself, feels nervous about her expectations and how they fit with other people's, can't grab the words in her large vocabulary and has to work around them, procrastinates, and generally gets in the way of herself. I'm Kayla on the middle couch, and it's not right side of the couch Kayla that's crying- it's critical thinking, middle of the couch Kayla who's crying trying to get out when I actually do something I know I can, or I get really frustrated when I'm not doing what I know I can do. My success, my failures, my gratitude are all buried by this stupid, blundering Kayla who makes choices that aren't any good for me.

It's ok for middle of the couch Kayla to be Mormon around a bunch of baptists because it makes me happy. It's ok for me to be proud of my singing, because I'm pretty freaking good at it and I was given a physical instrument that has the ability to make people CRY. It's ok for me to have opinions and EXPRESS them. I'm not mean under my polite, apologetic exterior. I'm way more genuine and kind, but I don't sacrifice myself to be that kind person. I'm not afraid of who I am. Middle of the couch Kayla is fairly... fearless. And Andy pointed out, middle of the couch Kayla is the one who got me to grad school. She's the one who touches people's hearts performing. And she's always there- underneath everything else. And I've felt her there even since high school. I knew the crazy potential I had as a singer before I could even sing classically. It was at my core that I was awesome and had awesome things I could do with my life.

SO now I have to figure out how to get rid of debilitating right side of the couch Kayla for good. How do I incorporate what my brain thinks I need from this person in order to be my truest self? Maybe I don't incorporate anything, but I just get rid of her. And finding my truest self- seeing TRUTH is what makes me cry. When I'm not doing well, I can see my potential, and if I have actually worked hard enough, it doesn't bother me as much to make a mistake. When I'm given an opportunity to sing, I'm given validation and truth that I can sing and I can feel such crazy amounts of gratitude for the revelation and opportunity.

So, my family, can we all try to find our middle of the couch person? Who are you when no one is looking? Who are you when you're at your awesomest? Who are you when everyone around you loves you and thinks your the bees knees? Who are you when you don't have to explain your opinions or your choices to anyone and they make you feel good and true? Who are you truthfully without any stupid right side of the couch person there? I'm challenging everyone in our family to find  that person and figure out how to be that person all the time. Because we all need her/him. It'll be a crazy road I think, but seeing this glimmer today- I think it's worth any amount of work to be her. I want to just be her with every fiber of my being. I know she's who Heavenly Father sees every day. I know she's the REAL me.