A tale of emotional hurt

This isn't a happy post.  This is going to be a story of sadness and hurt, but I wanted to let you guys know what has happened in my life the past month.  There is a lot to sort through, but I want to be as straight forward as possible.  I'm doing a lot better though! I'll do another post that includes happier things and pictures.

A little over a month ago, Mike broke up with me.  It came as a surprise.  I had been toying with the idea of breaking up with him because he had started acting a little strange in February, just pulling away a little bit.  I guess because I felt him pulling away it should have been my sign, but I was still surprised.  When I spent time with him, it was the best thing ever! It was only when we apart that I entertained the thought of breaking up with him.  He was starting to see me less and less.

I was pretty devastated.  I knew I would be ok, but that initial hurt ya know?  One night that week after he broke up with me, Kelci took me out to distract me.  It was good, we had fun.  We talked to some people and danced and had a good time.  We came home and Jackie was in the kitchen.  She asked me how I was doing and I started crying.  Jackie is Mike's best friend, that's how Mike and I met.  I knew it was a dangerous game, dating my roommate's best friend, but it felt worth it.

I made the mistake of asking Jackie how long she knew?  The only reason I asked this was because two days before Mike broke up with me, Jackie and Matt and RJ and I had been hanging out and Jackie acted so strange and it was super uncomfortable.  I assumed afterwards because she had known.  Jackie told me the truth and said that he had planning to make sure I had a good birthday, and then would do it.  He broke up with me the end of March, my birthday is the beginning of March folks!  So I was pretty upset by that.  I was so hurt.  There were a few other things said in that conversations, but truthfully, I don't remember them.

I went the next few weeks hurting, but healing.  I was really upset that Mike would wait that long to break up with me.  I will admit.  I confronted Mike about it.  We talked, he calmed me down.  It was fine.

My roommates and I planned to have a girls night on a Friday, it was the Friday before Easter.  It was just gonna be a relaxing night on a three day weekend, we would play some games, talk.  I was pretty excited because we hadn't done it in a while.  For a couple of reasons, 1: Jackie was always avoiding me/hiding in her room.  I didn't understand this, Mike had already broken up with me.  I understand hiding before that, but whatever.  And 2: Kelci basically lives with her boyfriend so she is never home.

*Slight interruption to tell you about Jackie.  She doesn't have friends.  She has lived in this area in her whole life, I went to her New Year's Eve party and there was no one there.  Which is fine, but it makes you wonder.  She is very strange.  She refuses to share anything about herself with people.  She wants to hear every detail about your life, but will give nothing about hers.  She has said a few times that she can't share her life with us, that she just can't.  Insinuating that maybe we would judge her for whatever choices she makes or that we would be shocked by something.  I don't know, she's a good enough roommate, but weird.

Anyway, we are sitting around, Jackie asks how I'm doing.  I tell her I'm fine, but I really miss Mike.  I miss telling him about my day, and just being goofy together, and talking about nothing.  Those "do nothing together" moments.  I miss the calm he brought to my life and the stability.  I'm not a calm person, I live in crazy (whether on purpose or not who knows...I do thirst for adventure)  Mike is a safe boring guy and I kind of enjoyed that he brought that into my life.  We keep talking about stuff and I ask, what about you Jackie? tell us about your life, is there anyone you like?" You know? Normal girl talk stuff?  She refused to tell us anything.  Just saying "I can't tell you, I can't tell you."  I got really sick of hearing that every time I ever talked to her, so I got mad.  I went to bed because I didn't want to handle that nonsense. (I've gotten pretty good at being upfront to people about my feelings since moving here!) Kelci goes home, but not before chastising Jackie for never telling us about her life. So Jackie knocks on my door, and then we talk about her life.

I suppose you could say I prodded the bear, so it's a little my fault, but I wasn't prepared for this.

Jackie told me that she is in love with Mike and has been since the day she met him.  She told me a lot that I didn't need to hear.  She told me that she broke up with her boyfriend (of 6 years) in January because she couldn't be with anyone but Mike.  She told me that she was insanely jealous of me the entire time.  That she would listen to us giggling in my room and couldn't handle it.  That she encouraged him to break up with me.  That the reason that she lost her cool at our party on October 15 was because Mike and I kissed. (Later that week we started dating.)  Then she told me that I just don't understand, I could never understand because she loves him.  He saved her life.  She has had sex with him, and it was the best she had ever had.  I just couldn't understand.  She told me other things, but they all fit under this.

I was heart broken.  I had never hurt that much in my life.  I didn't really know what to do.  She told me those things intentionally to hurt me.  She could have just said that "I love Mike" and left it at that.  I would have understood, but she just kept going on and on and on.  I asked her so many times if it was ok when I first started dating him.  I can follow the girl code, they are best friends.  I wouldn't have touched him if she had just said something.  She told me that night that she wanted me to be happy, but apparently I had reached my happiness level and decided for me that I didn't get that anymore, at least not with Mike.  I felt dead inside.  I literally couldn't function the next day.

But I realized that night why Jackie has no friends if this is how she treats people.  She is living a life that isn't healthy and hurts people and keeps them away from her.  But then she cries about how lonely she is.

I told Jackie that she needed to tell it all to Mike.  She refused.  She was afraid that it would ruin her friendship with Mike.  I told her that she owed it to me because my heart and I got caught up in all this nonsense.  But she wouldn't and won't.  I got together with Mike a few days later with the intention of telling him because I felt that we didn't get a fair shot with our relationship, but I realized that Mike and I are over.  And that as long as Jackie is his best friend, we never will.  And that it isn't worth it to be caught up in that mess.  I didn't tell him, maybe I will someday, but not right now.

I still miss him everyday.  He was really good for me. But I'm on the incline. There is more drama, specifically boy drama in my life, but that can be saved for another day.  It's been a little bit weird how much drama and emotional hurt I have been finding myself in since being here.  I've never had to deal with it ever before and I'm not sure how to.  I'm really excited to go hime for the summer and take some time to heal from this nonsense.